Looking Back
by Persnicketyer
Summary: Lindsey and Fred have fallen in love but something awful happened


Looking Back

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Don't sue.

Pairing: Lindsey/Fred

Rating R

            She didn't need to love me, I never asked her to, and maybe if she didn't then she wouldn't be lying her in this hospital bed in a coma with little chance of recovery. She would be laughing along with her friends, and helping out Angel. But instead she lies in this bed motionless, it's been this way for months, I come and see her every Sunday sometimes even more than that.

            She looks so small and fragile lying here in this bed, the doctors say she will probably never recover, it's funny you would think I blamed Angel for this.but it was my revenge plot, not his so I don't blame Angel, I blame myself. My hurting Angel became more important than my love for her, that's what kind of man I am. This wasn't supposed to happen; I was supposed to shoot Angel, not her. Not my own angel who lies here with little chance of waking up. She was the only light in my dark world, not even Darla could make me feel like she did. And now I've thrown it all away and her beautiful brown eyes may never open again, I may never hear her say "I love you" in that sweet voice that only she could ever have. I will never love again, not when my love destroys innocent women.

3 Months Earlier

            She's wearing the red dress I bought her for Christmas last year and she looks like an angel. I don't know how I lucked out, I was just a simple, well not so simple guy from Oklahoma and she was a quirky physicist from Texas, but here we are a year later, engaged to be married and happier than ever. So why the hell was I thinking about Angel again? Here she was looking like a beauty queen, the dress fit her figure nicely and her hair was all done up, so why couldn't I just focus on her and not revenge against Angel?

            "Something wrong, Lindsey?" she asks me quietly looking a bit strangely at me as if she is concerned. She really is an angel, always worrying when I seem a little off, I definitely don't deserve her. He reminds me every time I see him; he is just waiting for me to screw up.

            "Nothing, you just stunned me with your radiant beauty" I lie to her, how could I tell her I was thinking about killing one of her dearest friends? That wouldn't go over well at all, but she didn't know what Angel had done to me. I have a one track mind, revenge. At first I thought she was the key to my revenge, clueless little Texan who I could turn and she'd be feeding me information forever and ever but I never expected to fall in love with her, she was so beautiful and smart and it was clear that Team Angel took her for granted. So I fell for her, and now she was to be my wife. Angel and I were even almost on good terms, but I couldn't stop thinking about taking him down.

            "I want to dance" she tells me in a sweet voice. I can't say no to her, I couldn't stand to see one tear in her beautiful eyes. There would be no way I could bare it, so I get up and I dance with her, there is no music but that doesn't matter to her. Our apartment still has all the Christmas lights up, so it's really something to see. But the view to me is her. So pretty and perfect she is, and I don't deserve her at all, I know I don't. I'm not a good man but she makes me a better person. I am better because she loves me.

            "Fred, why did you accept my proposal, you know who I was" I say quietly to her as I twirl her around the living room.  She smiles at me as if she thinks I'm insane for asking.

            "It doesn't matter who you were Lindsey" she tells me. "It matters who you are now, the man that I love with all my heart and want to spend all my life with, the man that showed me I was more than I ever thought I could be"

            Her words melt my heart and we are both tired now so I bring her into the bedroom. We both change and get into bed. "I love you Lindsey" she tells me in a voice barely above a whisper.

            "I love you too" I tell her but she's already asleep. I keep my arms around her. I won't sleep for many hours yet, I will be up thinking about revenge but I keep her in my arms and her influence of good is there guiding me while she sleeps like an angel, my angel.

            I know that I don't deserve to be this happy and that it's even worse that all I can think of is Angel as she lies in my arms, it's morning now and we've made love. It's Saturday, the day where we sit around the house all day and talk or relax, lately we've been talking about the wedding, she doesn't want to hire a wedding planner, she wants to do it all herself, on top of working.  Did I tell you how amazing she is? She does so much and helps so many.so as we lie here I try to think only of her.

            She makes breakfast, a sort of taco omelet, and it's good. Everything she makes is good, she's so pure and perfect, and this is why I love her. She's too kind and giving as she smiles at me and I wash dishes, she dries them and puts them away, she knows exactly what she is doing too, knows just how to make me love her with her soft movements and grins. And I'm in heaven now as we sit down and look at flower arrangements, you know you are whipped when you look at flower arrangements with your fiancé, such a weird word, fiancé but that's what she is and I love it.

            The rest of the day passes and she's decided on pink roses, it's not my choice but I told you, I can't say no to her, can't say no to that sweet girl. It's impossible; I love her too much, so I guess I'll be bearing with pink roses, as long as my tuxedo isn't pink. I draw the line there. She can wear whatever she wants and she'll be beautiful. Did I tell you I love this girl?

            She looks over at me as her beeper goes off, she doesn't even need to tell me. It's Angel, I know. It means she has to leave, but trying to be a good fiancé I kiss her goodbye and watch as she leaves the apartment. Its cold here without her, isn't that funny? To think she can warm up a room? But she does.the apartment and my life. It will be hours before she'll return and I try not to think about what I'd like to do to Angel.

            He always seems to interrupt us at the worst times but I am always understanding, she believes in what she does, so I support her, just like a good fiancé would. I told you she has a weird effect on me and it's hard to focus on anything but her most of the time, but with her gone I can work on my plan for Angel. I won't kill him, but I will cripple him.I want to hurt that vampire more than anything.and these days I don't even remember why.

            I go into the bedroom and sit at the computer desk thinking of ways to destroy him, I should be thinking about the wedding that's coming up, but all I can think about is revenge.

            She's shaking and crying when she comes home. I pull her into my arms and hold her; I don't like seeing her like this. "What's wrong?" I ask her stroking her hair gently. She just stares at me with tear filled eyes and I know it's bad, really bad.

            She tries to pull herself together, no one should ever cry like this. "Cordelia."  she says without another word and sobs helplessly. But just by Cordelia, I know what she means. Cordelia has passed away, she was in a coma for months and she obviously hadn't pulled out of it. Another girl who Angel destroyed, Did I tell you he did that? There was Darla, who would have been just fine without him and then there was that blonde Sunnydale slayer.all of them would have been much better off. And now he's gone and made Fred cry, as indirect as it might be.

            I pick her up in my arms and carry her to the bedroom and lie her on the bed. She looks so small there, and I can't help but think about getting Angel back for this. I lie down with her and wrap my arms around her trying to console her. Cordelia was her friend and now she was gone, I try not to think about how I'd be if I lost her. She is the most precious thing in my life.

            If there were ever a saint or an angel here on earth, it would be Winifred Burkle. She's forgiven me for all my past sins. I don't know how she can; I used her and tried to get to Angel. But those days are over now and I'll hold her until the end of time if need be. She whimpers slightly and tries to stop herself from crying. "Let it go" I tell her softly. Everyone needs a chance to break down once in a while and her excuse was legitimate so I just hold her for an endless about of hours and she falls asleep. I am careful not to disturbed her as I slip out of the bed. Soon Angel would be the one crying. "Sleep my little angel" I tell her as I kiss her lightly on the forehead.

            It's great to be loved in spite of all you've done.especially when you are a man like me, Fred makes me better but I am not anything close to a good man. I leave her a note that says I'm going to the store, I don't like her to worry about me, but she doesn't need to know where I am really going. Sometimes I want to shake her, to wake her up and make her see the damage Angel is doing, but I don't. I stay quiet like I should and just let him do this to her.

            Working for Angel will kill her, I know. I dream about it all the time. I decide I'm gonna go have a little chat with Wolfram and Hart's resident vampire. Getting into the building is simple enough, especially when you used to work there. It doesn't take long before I am in his office.

            "Lindsey." Angel growls at me in disgust. "What the fuck are you doing here?" he asks with a look of murderous rage in those sometimes less than soulful eyes. He starts to come towards me.

            "Whoa big guy." I start. "I just want to talk, I heard about Cordelia Chase, and I am very sorry for your loss" I tell him. "But you see that's what happens to women who associate with you, and how long before it's Fred.tell me Angel. How long do I have until Fred ends up like Cordelia?"

            He glares at me. "Keep talking and it won't be Fred you'll have to worry about" he tells me. "You're no good for her, I don't know what spell you are using to keep her there, but if I find out." he trails off and stalks over to me, he grabs me and pins me to the wall and leans in dangerously close. "They'll never recognize the body" he says and hits me in the stomach. "Get the fuck out lawyer boy" he tells me. "And don't you dare ever try to blame me for what happened to Cordelia." he adds.

            I just stare at him for a few minutes and then I leave, heading home. Son of a bitch will never know what hit him when I'm done. Fred wasn't under a spell, and I knew that. She just loves me and I love her and Angel as usual had no idea what he was talking about, but soon it wouldn't matter.

            She's still sleeping when I get back. I look at her for a long while and tell her how much I love her. After this we would be okay, I knew. I am going to go and get Angel for all of the things that he's done to us. He will never have the chance to hurt anyone again, this was the vow I made. I leave her sleeping soundly smiling as I leave the room, I know that soon we will have everything we've ever dreamed of.

            I get back in my car and take the gun from my glove department, I load it and set it on the seat next to me. I drive to Wolfram and Hart and get in easily again, apparently Angel wants me to come back. He's not here. I don't know where he is so I leave. I stop at the store, Angel will get his soon enough.

            I pick up a few things and pay for them and then get back in my car driving home. The door is open, I didn't leave it that way. The apartment is dark and there is someone talking in the bedroom. I think it's a burglar so I go in with my gun out, I can't see anything but I hear voices. I slip in through the door and shoot, and then I hear a small whimpering noise, I know it is Fred, I turn on the light and she is lying there bleeding and Angel is standing next to her. I drop the gun and start freaking out. I just put a bullet in the head of the woman I love. Angel is too concerned about Fred to even do anything to me and I can't form words. He picks her up and whisks her off without a word to me, just a glare. I thought someone was attacking and I'd shot her. If Fred died, it would be me that killed her.

The Present

            So now she's laying here not waking up, and it's been that way ever since. Angel had saved her life and I had almost stolen it. You couldn't even imagine how guilty I feel right now, I don't even see Angel anymore. She seems so peaceful, barely alive and lying there. I hope she'll wake up but each day that she doesn't hope is dwindling. I'll never give up though, I talk to her like she's still here with me. I just pray she pulls through, I don't know what to do with my life without her.

            I take her hand gently and look down at her. "Fred, it's me again, sorry I haven't been up here sooner" I tell her. "I love you, and you are strong, you can make it. Don't you see Fred? I'm nothing without you. I'm not a good man Fred, I've never been a good men. But you made me better because you loved me. You can't leave me Fred, this can't be the end.it should be the beginning. I've been with a lot of women before and I've loved only two, Darla and you. But Darla.she was no good for me, and Angel screwed her up. But you, you can't die on me Fred, you have to wake up.

            She opens her eyes and smiles at me and I can't believe it, she's awake. I wrap my arms around her. "God Fred, I almost lost you" I tell her holding her tightly. "I love you"

            She looks at me with wonder. "You'll never lose me Lindsey, not really" she tells me, her sweet voice that I haven't heard in months.I revel in it for a few moments.

            "I'm so sorry Fred" I tell her. "I thought you were being attacked, I was worried" I add crying. I'm just so happy to see her awake. I can't stop hugging her. Everything was going to be different now, we were going to be so happy and life was going to be great. I just knew.

            Of course it's a dream and I wake up and she's still sleeping. It's the same dream I always have. Suddenly, shockingly the line goes blank and I scream for a doctor. The doctors come in but they can't save her. They tell me she was gone long ago and her body had just given out. I cry and scream and yell for them to do something but my cries are not heard and silenced.

            Angel arranged the funeral, it's at night and it's raining. I stand here trying to keep myself together, I've been drinking a lot more these days. Fred really is gone and there is nothing I can do.

            She loved me and it killed her so now I sit here, alone and the whole world is cold without her, I'll be okay eventually but right now all I can do is mourn her. I love her still and I wished things had gone differently

_iHow the hell did we wind up like this?_

_Why weren't we able_

_To see the signs that we missed_

_And try to turn the tables_

_Nothings wrong_

_ Just as long as you know_

_Someday I will_

_Someday, somehow_

_Gonna make it alright but not right now_

_I know you're wondering when_

_Now the story's played out like this  
Just like a paperback novel  
Lets rewrite an ending that fits  
Instead of a __Hollywood__ horror/i_

-song lyrics from "Someday" by Nickelback.


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